It’s been a busy month, to say the least.

I had a stint filling in at a vet clinic, then helping friends in their barn. I am the vacation stand in, which I love. It offers the chance to do something different with my day and be with some truly lovely people.

All that activity and peopleing exhausts me. Add in my ADHD overwhelm and all the projects I need and want to get done.

So much to do, so little focus.

On the writing front, I am reworking what I call the Africa book (THE TROUBLE WITH POSSIBILITIES- finally have a title I like!!) with the goal of self-publishing before the end of summer. There will be updates here, especially when I need to revamp this site in preparation.

Plus, I am diligently drafting my third women’s fiction novel, ALL THE BRIGHTNESS, with the help of my amazing critique group. There’s nothing like having to keep ahead so I have chapters to post.

Each of these projects has a subset of demands. Web site updates, this blog, Canva- I can waste DAYS on that time suck. I designed a book cover, mood boards, posted them, and contemplated Instagram posts that aren’t my dog sitting on the table. (@ponygirlnmh if you want to check out more of his naughtiness.)

All time-consuming inside jobs in a season where outside projects take precedence.

And have I mentioned my absolute crap time-management skills?

Oh! Look! I should weed my garden. But my tractor is broken so what do I do with this pile of stuff? I could use the wheelbarrow, but there’s that one that I need to fix. The tools are in either the garage or my tack room. When I get to the tack room, that’s a disaster, so I should clean that, and start a load of saddle pads while I am there. (Saddle pads that will be washed 3x when I forget to get them out of the washer.)

You get the point.

Especially since this blog post is supposed to focus on adjusting dreams, remember?

Dream number one:

All winter I have been boarding one of my horses in the hopes of building up her out-of-shape back and hind end. And my own out-of-shape self.

I was diligent and disciplined- hey it can happen in my world.

She is much sounder and stronger than ever.

BUT

Two of my most trusted riding friends have seen her and broke the news that deep down I know- she can’t do the job.

Not that she can’t do anything. She simply can’t do the job I have worked so hard for her to do. I want to show over jumps. She isn’t able to catch herself on the landing. It’s unfair to push her. I will keep riding her- on trails and in the ring, but I know she might never be able to jump again.

Dovetail that with the lack of traction with the queries on my second women’s fiction novel.

AKA Dream number 2.

I’ve chosen to chase traditional publishing at a time when publishing is unbelievably competitive and difficult to break into. Jumping into the query trenches these days is an ego destroying hellscape. (Not that I blame agents. Querying in this post-Covid arena is like diving into a Hieronymus Bosch painting. Strange and surreal and sometimes horrifying.)

Just like it’s so hard to see my dreams of showing my fancy jumper again wither, it’s equally hard to see people get their well-deserved success while garnering rejection after rejection for my own work.

Doubt and the depression that accompanies it make my distraction worse.

Which brings me to the adjustment.

I am focusing on my other mare for riding. I am deeply appreciative of the fact that I have multiple horses- while none are the perfect fit for my dreams, they enrich my life (even if I did have a bizarre dream where the crazy one kicked my truck to pieces-hmmmm might be some sub-conscious meaning there). My cup runneth over in that respect.

I am taking moments to be grateful for the many, many wonderful things in my life-health, happiness, a lovely farm, a sweet, supportive, though high-maintenance, drama king husband I’ve taken to calling him Princess. (No, he does not appreciate my loving, sarcastic humor in this instance.)

I am pivoting my writing expectations, by focusing on the writing part which brings me joy. Working toward controlling my publishing journey rather than waiting for an overburdened system to notice me.

I am riding every chance I get.

Making frantic comprehensive lists of things I need to get done, want to do, and hope to do.

Company is coming next week, so that will kick my unfocused procrastinating self into high panic- I mean gear. Into gear. Yes.