Screw Pumpkin Spice. It’s Burdock season, B*tches!!!

Ah. Fall. The season of foliage, cooler days, all things pumpkin, and of course, burdock.

According to Oxford Language Dictionary, burdock is “a large herbaceous Old-World plant of the daisy family. The hook-bearing flowers become woody burrs after fertilization and cling to animals’ coats for seed dispersal.”

If only they were as fresh as daisies. My problem with this hell-spawn of a plant lies in the second half of the description- the woody burrs that cling to animals’ coats.

They are everywhere on the farm.

I have declared war against them.

I’ve mowed them down- and been covered in a cloud of almost invisible, yet intensely itchy particles. I’ve tried to pull or dig them up.

They have a taproot that’s thick enough to anchor the Titanic and long enough to reach the molten core of the Earth. And if any particle of said root is left behind, the damn thing seems to grow back before you can put your tools away.

I hate chemicals, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I’ve suited up with masks and gloves and sprayed the wide leaves with undiluted concentrate, and the leaves merely brown at the edges.

They have won.

In that spirit, I give you The First Annual Winterwind Farm Equine Burdock Styling Award.

In third place, I present Tucker. This OTTB (Off Track Thoroughbred) is going for a classic minimalist look. It’s classy and understated. He’s intent on keeping it, evidenced by flying back and threatening to break his halter when I tried to remove them.

In second, we have Beyla (aka The Queen B). This Percheron Cross came in strong with artfully placed clusters along her neck, finished off by a tight forelock cluster. Strong golf clap for the effort put into this look. She must have rubbed her against the spiky burrs for a solid five seconds to create this impossible to untangle wad.

Drum roll, please.

In first place we have another OTTB, Ms. Montana, affectionately known as Annie to those who love her. To those who don’t, she goes by Wingnut, Squirrelly, and occasionally Psycho Crazy Bitch. It depends on the day.

She won this contest hands down. By working both ends, she sealed her victory.

It’s really quite stunning how she artfully draped sections of hair to create an almost braided look. It makes me wonder if she smashed the bush into oblivion as she ground her nether regions against it.

And ever humble, she accepted her award and showed off the almost lattice type matting throughout her mane, while expressing her appreciation and gratitude toward her competitors and the judge.

I am now going to head out and purchase a case of baby oil, which is about the only thing that gets these demonic seed pods out.